I have an hour to be creative, to write. 

I wanted to use it to describe the meditation I just had. I am still in that space, except for a few distractions from interacting with my husband and doing a little bit of planning. 

I sometimes take a few puffs of cannabis to meditate. Maybe because I haven’t been a regular cannabis user, It really helps me to get out of my bad habits of getting lost in thoughts and taking a long time to come back to focus. Cannabis really helps me zone in. I am beyond judging myself for it now, and I only do it maybe twice a month. 

In the meditation, I focused on noticing all the parts of me that were a bit blocked. I sensed a channel going through me from the crown and back of my neck. Energy from the field around me comes in, to give me all that I need to be a fully functioning node in the large network of nodes. Usually, there are a lot of tendencies to shy away from that energy and live in a smaller, more predictable space. I noticed the part of me that is responsible to keep me in the timed, conditional world, where we do have to protect ourselves, where we have to survive and learn a lot of skills to do so, from the beginning of time. I actually looked at her, she was a thin fit figure covered in patterned tattoos, a real warrior woman. She could channel all the stored knowledges of all time. Her body was a light brown with some blue, but here blue eyes shone very brightly, as if they were still from the spirit realm. Looking at me, she was able to trust that we can let go from always being vigilant and from deciding what needs to be done next. When she let go, I was more in touch with the spiritual, timeless energy running through me – telling me that I am completely worthy and empowered to be powerful. 

Distractions still came up, for example, a planning part. (Distractions, by the way, seem to come mostly from our deep grooves in our neural network., the paths that regulate our way of thinking and feeling.) When I focused on the distractions, I noticed a part that was directly behind me, which had noticed the distraction and  had led me back to focus. It was doing this with a sense of urgency.:”Don’t be distracted! Don’t worry about what you are going to do an hour from now! Just be fully present now! Enjoy this calm moment where you can let go!” When I got a sense of this part, It was a meagre bent over figure, with a red cape. I thanked it and it was able to relax. 

For a while I was with a part that was scared of being alone. I noticed a tendency to distract from it, as a part of me was worried that once I fully go into the despair, that it would be hard to get out. That part got reassured and the lonely part got a whiff of the surrounding loving energy. When there is no need to distract, there is so much relaxation and peace!

The part that directed me, the black part with the red cape, directed me to my breath. At the time, my breath was unconscious and not very deep and nourishing. The moment I focused on it, I became so much more embodied, I could sense that the proper way of breathing is breathing out by fully contracting the belly and ribs, sitting in really good posture. I then waited for the in-breath to come, which took quite a while, and then was long and gentle. 

Feeling like just receiving, just being in the flow. Everything is what it is right now. No need to alter anything. Just be in the awareness of what is here right now. Wow, so much power! No need to block it!

A part of me wanted me to get up from meditation and write down my experiences. It also thought of making a guided meditation in the above style. Yes, the creators and taskmasters came back online, and got me away from sitting on the cushion. But I am so happy that my creatrix is more around these days, there is more creativity and flow in my life. I am letting myself more space for that. I am so glad!